Touhou: Cure For the Uncommon Man
by Gabriel Helsing
Summary: Meet Alvin Li, 18 years old. Asian, Malaysian and the Gensokyo's latest addition. But Yukari missed one tiny little detail when she gapped him... He has gynophobia. And it gets worse when Yukari plans to "cure" him of his unique condition... and gets all of Gensokyo to help out. Join Alvin as he struggles to survive the madness and Danmaku that fly all over Gensokyo.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, fellow readers, authors and Touhou fans alike! Welcome to Touhou: Cure for the Uncommon Man! Unlike Touhou: Ancestral Roots, this story is more humor-driven and centers on Alvin's misadventures as he gets caught in Yukari's schemes to "cure" him of his gynophobia.**

**Chaos, explosions and a whole lot of Danmaku will ensue as Yukari gets the inhabitants of Gensokyo to help out… willingly, unwillingly and unknowingly.**

**This going to be a whole lot fun for me and I hope it will be for you too as you join in for the ride.**

**Without further ado, let's begin!****.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Touhou Project with the exception of... AAAAAALLLLLVVVVVIIIIINNNNN!**

…**..**

**Chapter 1: You saw something you shouldn't have…**

Welcome to the land of Gensokyo, a place where many yokai and some humans call home. Having separated from our world or the Outside World as the residents here call it for over a 100 years, science and technology has seemingly left this world untouched. And right now, it is a beautiful sunny day-

"Somebody help me!"

And now we see a very out of place young man with modern clothes running for his life. And there is a large blob of darkness currently chasing after him.

"Wait, tasty oni-chan~ Let me have another bite~"

The young man gives brief glance behind him, "Like hell! You already got a free taste, so there's no way you're gonna get yourself a free meal!"

"Is that so~"

"YES, THAT IS SO!"

"Okay~" The ball of darkness suddenly picks up speed, "Then, I'll just have to catch you~ Here I come, tasty oni-chan~"

"AAAAHHHHH!" The young man screamed again while doing the same, fully intent on preventing his fate of becoming the ball of darkness' meal of the day.

Quite the scene to start the day, don't ya think?

…..

**Young man's Point of View**

Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

What the crispy shit is this place!

One minute, I was standing in front of some shrine in Japan whose name I couldn't remember, not that I bothered to learn. The next moment, I am running for my life, trying to prevent some kid in a huge ball of darkness from eating me alive!

Yes, a KID. A freaking ten year old in a ball of darkness is chasing me, wanting to eat me ALIVE. If my hand wasn't aching in pain from the bite I just received, I'd swear that this is all just one crazy dream.

Now did I get into this mess in the first place?

…..

My name is Alvin Li Wei Chung. I'm a 19 year old Asian. Nationality is Malaysian and I belong to no religion. Attending college, but now on break. I currently am… or was on a tour in Japan to see the sights. A gift from my parents, too bad they couldn't come with me, work and all.

Maybe if they were around, I could have avoided this. Maybe I wouldn't. You know, just a thought.

Anyway, during the tour, we came to this particular Shinto Shrine out in the middle of nowhere… or I would have known what it is or where I was if I had been paying attention to the tour guide instead of listening to my iPod. While I was there, I wandered near the shrine and tripped on something, accidently getting too close. I extended my arms to catch something to avoid falling, my left hand caught a wooden post and my right…

Just disappeared out of sight.

I freaked out at first, then I realized that there was some sort of barrier in front of the shrine. Part of me wanted to explore, the other didn't want to get into unnecessary trouble. After some thought, I decided to obey the latter and turned to leave… only to stumble at the edge of a hole in the ground.

What the- Where did this come from? It certainly wasn't there before…

Looking down, I saw another dimension full of staring eyes, all looking at me. I would have ran away, if someone or something hadn't push me from behind and made me fall in.

I spent most of my "descent" screaming until I had to refill my lungs. I was so terrified that I fainted halfway.

When I came to, I found myself on some path in the middle of nowhere… and that I landed on something soft.

Looking down, I corrected myself. I had landed on **someone **soft. A girl to be precise.

…

Did I mention I'm gynophobic?

"GAAAAHHHH!" My phobia instantly acted up and I put some distance between me and the girl. Then I face-palm myself, realizing this wasn't the time.

Allow me explain, I'm not scared of girls in general. My phobia is more of physical reaction rather than psychological disorder. Whenever a girl touches me, I instinctively get away from that person on instinct. That even applies to people close to, including my family.

I tell ya, it really sucks.

"Hey, little girl? Are you alright?" I made myself get closer.

The girl on the ground has short blond hair and wears a black vest and skirt, and white blouse with a red tie bordered by two large red beads around her neck. She also has small red ribbon is tied to the left side of her hair.

I wonder if she is a foreigner?

"Hey! Are you okay? Guh…" It took all of my willpower just so that I can hold her shoulder and try to shake her awake, not mention keeping myself from fainting on the spot.

"Mmm…Hmm?" I sighed with relief as I withdrew my hand. The girl got up and frowned, covering her eyes with her hands.

"So bright…" She closed her eyes and spread her arms- WOW! Where did the ball come from?

"Much better~ Hmm? Who are you?" Noticing my presence, she turned towards me. The ball itself looks like it's made of darkness, but I can still see her in it, kinda like the lens on a pair of sunglasses.

"Err… Hi, I'm the guy who… landed on you by accident."

The girl cocked her head on one side, "Is that so~"

"Yes, it really was and it really was accident! I'm sorry, please forgive me!" I bowed in apology.

"Okay, Oni-chan~" Huh? That's it? She forgave me, just like that?

And I just noticed, she looks fine considering I fell directly on top of her.

She then came closer to me, "Are you a human?"

I had to keep myself from running away as she did that, "What? Umm, yes. Why?"

Even through the darkness, I can see a creepy smile forming on her face.

"Umm, little girl? What's your name?"

"Rumia~"

"Okay, Rumia? What are you doing?"

She takes one of my arms-"I'm gonna eat you~" and bites it. Hard.

"YEOOWWW!" I wrenched my arm off as hard as I could.

What the hell! She bit so hard that she actually drew blood! This girl means business!

Rumia licked her lips, which are stained with my blood, "You're so tasty… Oh, and Oni-chan?"

I look at Rumia, "What?"

"I'm not a little girl~, I'm a yokai~"

…

Let's sum up my situation here. I'm standing in the middle of nowhere, with no one in sight with the exception this girl, Rumia who is inside a large ball of darkness and claims to be a yokai and wants to eat me.

What should I do? Do I…

A. Try to reason with her  
B. Beat the crap out of her  
C. Run like hell

Well, reasoning with Rumia isn't going to work. She not only has the body of small child but the psyche of one as well. I mean look at her! She's spreading her arms like Jesus on a crucifix! I might as well be telling her about the birds and the bees and how the stork isn't responsible for bringing babies into the world.

Beating the crap out of her? Totally out of the question! I don't know if her saying she's a yokai is true, but I'd be stupid to test it out. The girl can summon a huge ball of darkness around her! Who knows what else she can do? Besides, with this phobia of mine, I can't even touch her, let alone hit her.

So that leaves the final option, and that is-

**PEEEEEWWWW!**

Run like hell.

…..

And that's how I ended up being chased by a kid in a huge ball of darkness. Speaking of which…

"Tasty oni-chan~ I'm going to catch you~"

Oh goddamit! She's toying with me! She wants to wait until I tire out before catching me! Fortunately, it will be a while before that actually happens.

To think I told my parents that marathon training was a big waste of my time. 'When am I ever going to need to run 25 miles?' I said. Looks like the joke is on me.

Damn it, think Alvin think! There must be something you can use against her!

…

Wait… the ball! Rumia uses it to shield herself from the sunlight!

I look around desperately… and spot a forest somewhere close by. Perfect!

Okay Rumia… let's see how well you can see in shaded areas with that ball of yours!

Running towards the forest, I weaved through several trees hoping to-

**THUNK!**

"Huh?" I stopped and turned around. Rumia is nowhere in sight.

Despite how uneasy I felt, I decided to call out, "Hello? Rumia, are you there?"

No answer.

Making my way back out of the forest, I finally found Rumia… who had collided head-on with a tree and is now out cold.

"She knocked herself out…" I said to nobody in particular as I took in this odd situation.

Are you kidding me? That's all it took to bring this girl down? Then what the hell did I spend the all that time running away for?

I bang my head against a tree before groaning in pain. Someone up there must be messing with me…

"Well, no point on dwelling on the past…" I sighed. Leaving the unconscious yokai girl behind, I went to search for the first settlement- Correction, the first **human **settlement,I can find.

…..

**3rd person Point of View**

"Well, well. This is unexpected…"

Above the sky, Yukari Yakumo, the Youkai of Boundaries and Gensokyo's sole dictator can be seen observing Alvin from a hole in the boundary, or "gaps" as she prefers to call them.

"It would seem that Gensokyo's latest addition has a rather "unique" condition with girls…" The gap yokai had seen various types of phobias during her "visits" to the Outside World in her century long life, both physical and psychological, but she has never met anyone with a phobia towards the opposite gender.

It would be very troublesome for him to stay here considering the majority of Gensokyo's population are female… Or it could be the solution he needed to rid himself of such a troublesome predicament.

The gap yokai grinned to herself, thinking of all the possible scenarios that could happen when he meets Gensokyo's more well known citizens… The entertainment which the boy will provide is too great to pass up. And who knows? He may be able to prove his worth during his stay here.

"But, before that…" Yukari snapped her finger and opened a gap just below Alvin, who then dropped down and was swallowed up.

"A little help for you, boy. Fuhuhu~ I can hardly wait to see what will happen next…" Grinning to herself, Yukari Yakumo retreated back into her gap. A moment later, the gap closed itself and vanished from sight, leaving no trace.

…..

**Boy, things don't look good huh? Well, for Alvin anyway. LOL**

**And rather than the "I got bored so I gapped you here" excuse, I went for the "You saw something you shouldn't have, so I brought you here" reason. Trying to show Yukari's more responsible side, you know what I mean?**

**Oh, and if you have a hilarious idea or story you think would make a great addition to this, don't be shy, tell me! The more, the merrier!**

**Write and review, please and thank you.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter ****2: I meet the Rabbits of Eastern Wonderland**

We are now at Eientei, a large old-fashioned mansion hidden deep within the Bamboo Forest of the Lost. Numerous rabbits can be seen around the area, either cleaning the rooms, mowing the lawn, fixing several damaged sections of the mansion, tending to the plantation, etc….

**BOOM!**

Oh? There's an explosion from one of the mansion's rooms. The window of that particular room is opening and… a girl with short black hair, white bunny ears and wearing a pink, frilly nightgown is climbing out of the smoke-filled room.

"TEWI!"

And now there are arrows and bullets flying out of the window as well, which Tewi Inaba, the Lucky Earth Rabbit barely avoid by ducking her head before scurrying off. Another bunny girl with long, light purple hair comes out of the room, wearing a white short-sleeved shirt, red tie and a beige skirt. She makes gun shape with her right hand, points at the running Tewi and fires several bullets from her finger. All of these bullets however either miss or hit the surrounding bamboo shoots, leaving Tewi completely unharmed.

The smaller rabbit peeked out from behind a bamboo shoot, "Fu-hu-hu. When will you learn, Reisen? You can't touch me with those dinky bullets-" She paused to hide behind the shoot again, which is later impaled by several arrows. Back at the window, we see a young woman with dark grey eyes, long silver hair, has a large braid on her back, and carries a strange pair of bow and arrow. Her clothing is a red and blue dress, and is covered with constellation patterns and trigrams. She also wears something similar to a nurse's cap. Tewi peeked out again and smirked, "Your aim is getting lousy, master. Are your eyes starting fail you? Is your age finally catching up to you, old hag?"

Eirin Yagokoro, the Brain of the Moon merely smiled, though anybody could see the aura of malice hidden behind it, "Reisen, should you manage to catch that accursed earth rabbit, I promise to cut down your time in "assisting" me in my experiments."

Reisen Udongein Inaba, the Lunatic Moon Rabbit and Eirin's apprentice turned to her shishou in surprise and nearly shouted with joy, "Really Shishou?!" Eirin nodded her head, "Of course, if you can "convince" Tewi to take your place instead…" The moon rabbit caught on and saluted, "Right away, Shishou! Tewi, get back here!" The earth rabbit, having realized how much danger she is in, quickly bolted with Reisen on her tail.

Tewi had seen what the Mad Doctor of the Moon had done to the Reisen and she had absolutely **NO** intention being the moon rabbit's substitute.

…

After chasing Tewi non-stop for a couple of hours to no avail, Reisen stopped to rest. Breathing hard, she wondered if she could use her madness-inducing eyes to distract Tewi but decided against it. The earth rabbit knew what Reisen's eyes are capable of and had taken care to avoid eye-contact every time she pulls her pranks.

Reisen frowned while deep thought, trying to devise a plan to catch Tewi, not noticing that the earth rabbit is just nearby. Grinning to herself, Tewi slowly crept up towards the moon rabbit with a fun prank in mind when a gap opened just above Reisen's head. A moment later, a young man falls through and lands Reisen.

Tewi fell down in surprise at the sight, before picking herself up and grinned. The earth rabbit has rarely seen young men come to this part of forest, yet another target for both her pranks… and her scams.

…

**BLAM**

I groaned, "Not again! Where am I now?"

I raised my eyes as I saw nothing but bamboo around me. Am I in some sort of bamboo plantation? I pushed myself up… and felt something soft. Oh no… I reluctantly looked down and confirmed my suspicions.

I'm on top of another girl! AGAIN! Whose idea of practical joke is this? After getting myself off, I immediately noticed that the girl I landed on has… bunny ears? Is there a cosplay event around or something? Or maybe she's also a yokai… maybe I should just leave-

Oh man, I can't! I'm partially responsible for this, so I'll have to make sure she's alright as least.

"Um… Miss? Hey Miss, are you alright?" I sighed in relief, when the girl opened her eyes… They are red. She shows any sign of wanting to eat me and I'm out of her.

Sitting upright, the girl rubbed her head while looking at me with those... pretty… red … eyes… They are red~. He he~ they look like cherries~, juicy, juicy cherries~. I wonder if they taste good~?

"What happened? Who are you? Are you alright?" He he~ you funny, bunny lady! Of course I'm okay~.

"Hai~, my name is Katsuyori Takamune~. Who are you, bunny lady~?"

The bunny girl looked confused and I saw giant sweat drop appear on her head, "B-Bunny lady? Erm.. I'm Reisen." Just like a anime! I'm in an anime! Yay! Is the crow going to be here too~?

"So… how did you get here?" Reisen asked as she stood up and brushed the dirt from her clothes. "I don't know~. I just fell down some weird hole like Alice in Wonderland~. That means I'm Alice and you're the white rabbit I followed~… Wait, I'm a boy so my name can't be Alice… Oh yeah, it's Alvin~."

Reisen sweatdropped again, "What the heck? What is wrong with you? Why are you acting so- Oh! Oh no, Katsuyori-san! You were looking at my eyes, weren't you?"

I nodded my head, swaying from side to side, "Yup~! Your eyes are so pretty~."

"Stop! You can't look anymore!" Reisen turned away from me. I pouted, "Hey! I want look more! Let me look!" I got up and prepared to glomp her.

Reisen shook her head, "No, you can't-AH!"

**GLOMP!**

I hugged her and try get her to show me her eyes, "C'mon, I wanna see~."

Reisen was shocked, but quickly recovered, "Wha- I said NO! Let me go!"

I shook my head while hanging on her like a monkey on a tree, "I'm not gonna let go, bunny lady~. Not until, you let me see those pretty, pretty eyes~".

It was then I heard some rather loud laughing nearby. Turning to the source, I saw another bunny, this time a little girl with pink fur. That's weird~… I never saw bunny with pink fur before~. But why are her ears white~? Letting go of Reisen, I made my way to the other bunny who is too busy laughing to notice my presence.

**GLOMP!**

"Ah!" The bunny girl realized too late as I held her securely within my arms and began rubbing my cheek against hers.

"Wha- Tewi!"

So your name is Tewi? Too late little bunny Tewi~! Oh, you're so cute and your face feels so soft~. What about your ears~? O nom nom.

"H-Hey, cut it out! Stop-ah nibbling my ears! R-Reisen, help me! I can't get loose!" Hm? Why are you laughing, bunny lady? By the way… your ears are tasty~. Ah~…

**CRUNCH!**

"OUCH! I-It hurts! Stop, it hurts! Reisen, help me!" But your ears taste so good~. Hm? What's that red thing-

**BANG!**

…..

**3****rd**** POV**

After getting shot in the head by Reisen's danmaku, Alvin fell to the ground unconscious. Reisen blew her finger and merely said, "You owe me one. And you better have Shishou look at that" Tewi nodded her head, wiping her tear-filled eyes while rubbing her bitten ear. "I didn't think this human would be so crazy after looking at your eyes. You should wear sunglasses."

"If I have any." Reisen said while looking at the outsider, Alvin or Katsuyori as he called himself in his madness trance.

"Hey, I think he's hurt." Tewi pointed at the wound on his arm.

Reisen then noticed the wound resembled bite marks and realized that human had been attacked prior to his arrival here. She then decided to bring him back with them to Eientei and let Shishou look at him.

"Wait, you're taking him back with us? After what he did to me- I mean us?" Tewi objected.

"He's hurt and it's technically my fault that he became like that in the first place. Besides, I'd say that's punishment enough for what you did to Shishou and me back in Eientei." Reisen added with smirk.

Tewi pouted but didn't object any further as she followed the moon rabbit back to their home.

…..

**Alvin POV**

Ow… my head. What a dream. I went to some shrine in the middle of nowhere, fell through a weird hole, landed on a yokai girl, nearly got eaten, fell through _another_ hole, landed on a girl with rabbit ears and… That's weird; I can't remember anything after that. And why do I have hair in my mouth? Oh well, I guess it doesn't- Why can't I move my arms and legs?

It was then I realized that I was strapped on to some sort of operating table… and there is a person with a mask wearing a surgeon's uniform standing beside me.

…

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"Ah, you're awake. And if you can scream that loud, then I assume you have recovered completely." The surgeon pushed a button somewhere and the straps automatically came off, allowing me get up.

The "surgeon" undid her mask, revealing a young woman, "My name is Eirin. Please relax, your operation was a success."

Oh… WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT OPERATION?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!

"The truth is… you are now… a cyborg. The perfect combination of man and machine to combat all of the world's evil!" Eirin said with a serious expression on her face. What the hell. WHAT THE HELL. "Now… shout "Transform" and fulfill your destiny as the protector of this world!"

I nodded my head, "Alright! Hen… Shin-LIKE HELL! There's no way something so manga-ish can ever be true! Stop messing with me, goddamit!"

"Tsk, he's pretty sharp." I turn towards the new voice and saw a strangely familiar rabbit girl in a pink fur- I mean nightgown. Have we met? Why is there a bandage on one of her ears? And why did I think that nightgown was fur?

"I told you it wouldn't work! I don't know how you manage to convince Shishou to go along with it." Oh, and there's the rabbit girl I landed on!

"Oh hey, you're Reisen right?" I asked.

Nodding her head, the red-eyed rabbit girl then asked me, "How do you feel, Katsuyori-san?"

I raised an eyebrow, "Katsuyori? My name is Alvin, Alvin Li. Why did you think that was my name?"

Reisen scratched her head, seemingly reluctant to tell me. However, the other rabbit girl, Tewi said, "You said that was your name when you went crazy." … Wait, what? And why do I know YOUR name?

"Say… what happened to me before I got here? The last thing I can remember is that I landed on Reisen and making sure she was alright?"

Eirin frowned when she heard that, "Landed on? So you are capable of flight?"

"Nope. Actually I fell down a hole that came out of nowhere, and the next thing I knew, I landed on top of Reisen here…" Hearing it out loud makes it sounds like I'm in some Alice-in-Wonderland-inspired anime/manga or something. Definitely not Pandora Hearts though. "By the way… where am I exactly?"

Eirin pinched the bridge of her nose, "So you are an outsider. I'll be blunt, you are currently in Eientei, our home. But to be more specific, you are in Gensokyo, the Land of Fantasy & Illusion, the home of yokai and a paradise for the outcasts of society.

… Don't tell me I really did fall into an Eastern Wonderland, I'd prefer becoming a cyborg to that. Then again, I did get bitten by a yokai earlier. Huh? My arm's been bandaged.

"Reisen saw that you were injured and brought you here. Were you attacked by a yokai prior to your meeting with her?" Eirin asked.

I nodded, "Yeah, I got bit by a yokai girl named Rumia. Thanks for fixing my arm by the way."

Tewi then walked up to me and held up her hand, "Yeah, yeah. Now cough it up."

"Cough what up? Did I eat something of yours?"

"No, you moron! I mean money! You should pay up for your treatment!"

**BANG!**

And Eirin hits Tewi on the head with a paper fan… Where did she get that anyway?

"Don't mind her, she tends to run her mouth like that all the time." Reisen said to me.

"Okay… By the way, the last thing I remembered before waking up was talking to you… What happened?"

Reisen hesitated for a moment, "Well… you see, my eyes have the power of insanity and since you looked straight at them, you took the full brunt of their effects."

… Yeah right, like I'll go crazy just by looking at those… pretty… red… cherry… eyes~. "Your eyes look so pretty, bunny lady~."

"Huh? Alvin, what's wrong? Why are you- Oh no…" What? There is nothing wrong with me~. "Oh, there's the pretty pink bunny with tasty ears~. I wanna eat them again~."

"Oh no… Not again!" For some reason, cute little Tewi-wewi ran out of the room. Hey wait~. Let me eat your ears~.

…..

**3****rd**** POV**

As Alvin went chasing Tewi, Eirin sighed as she turned to her student, "He looked straight into your eyes again, didn't he?" Reisen nodded her head, hiding her flushed face.

"Well, you better go and make sure he doesn't cause too much trouble. And you better inform the other rabbits about it too. I'd prefer we settle this without the loss of any ears."

…

**And done.**

**Not much to say, except that Alvin was supposed to be at Hakurei Shrine originally. But I decided to go with Eientei.**

**The scenes need work and some improvement, but for now this is the best I can do.**

**Read and review, please and thank you.**


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